Samantha's Journal - ​Entry #6

Day… I Don’t Even Know Anymore – The Seasons Are Changing
The wind is colder today. I sat by the window this morning, watching the leaves drift down from the trees. Fall is almost here. The forest is changing, the bright greens fading into warm yellows and deep oranges. It’s beautiful in a way, but it also reminds me how much time has passed. How long we’ve been here.

Last night, I dreamt of Mom and Dad. It felt so real, like I was home again, sitting at the kitchen table while Mom cooked and Dad laughed at one of his own terrible jokes. I woke up with an ache in my chest so deep it hurt to breathe. Are they safe? Do they think about me as much as I think about them? I want to hear their voices, even just once. But I can’t. I removed the SIM card from my phone weeks ago. If I tried to call them, even for a second, I could put them in danger. It’s better this way. That’s what I keep telling myself.

My belly is getting bigger now. I run my hands over it sometimes, trying to imagine what’s happening inside. A little life, growing. Moving. Existing. The morning sickness isn’t as bad anymore, but now it’s replaced by something else—the weirdest cravings.

One day, I couldn’t stop thinking about Sundae—Korean blood sausage. The next, it was grilled octopus. Then there was the time I sat there daydreaming about mango with shrimp paste, my mouth practically watering just from the thought of it. It’s funny, in a way.

Cravings are supposed to be a normal part of pregnancy, but here? In the middle of nowhere, with no grocery stores, no restaurants, no way to get anything remotely close to what I want? It feels like torture.

I haven’t told Saul. I know him. If he knew, he’d do everything in his power to find a way to get it for me. He’d march down the mountain, hunt through Rockwell, risk everything—just to bring back something ridiculous like a grilled octopus or a bowl of blood sausage. And I can’t let him do that. So I keep it to myself. I tell him I’m fine. And most of the time, I almost believe it.

But some nights, when everything is quiet, I close my eyes and pretend I’m back home, sitting at the dinner table, Mom placing a hot bowl of food in front of me, Dad making a joke about eating for two. And for just a moment, it doesn’t feel like the world is falling apart.

- Samantha
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